Summer time is here and that means Christmas time is near So take some time my dear and rest your heart, rest your heart Summer time is here and that’s your favourite time of year So settle down my dear and rest your heart Christmas time is here again It’s come ‘round like before The sound of laughter fills the air We couldn’t ask for more So gather round with me and marvel at that Christmas tree Call your family if you’re apart, if you’re apart Soon enough you’ll see, this is how our world could be Just find a place for me inside your heart Christmas time is here again It’s come ‘round like before The sound of laughter fills the air We couldn’t ask for more Christmas time is here again It’s come ‘round like before The sound of laughter fills the air We couldn’t ask for more

Wake up Someone inside the house Get up Hear them prowling around Dildo The closest thing to your hand By the window The figure of a large man Bring it down on his head and do it again and make sure he’s dead Oh why can’t you see, it’s how it’s got to be, or he’d do it to me Lights on Silence all through the halls Look down (gasp) Think I just killed Santa Clause

Pack your bags and saddle up, baby lets go It’s time for us to get the road on this show Don’t need much now, when we’re together we’re fine Cos you’ve got yours and baby be sure I got mine You and me babe, we’re gonna ride on, ride on The love we have, it’s gonna stay strong, stay strong No matter what, we’ll stay together And we’ll ride on through all types of weather, Ride on, Ride on, Ride on Don’t need money, no cash gonna stop us this time Don’t need food cos honey you fill up my mind Don’t need nothing at all and baby I aint fakin’ That big world is for our takin’, on this journey that we’re makin’ You and me babe, we’re gonna ride on, ride on The love we have, it’s gonna stay strong, stay strong No matter what, we’ll stay together And we’ll ride on through all types of weather, Ride on, Ride on, Ride on You and me babe, we’re gonna ride on, ride on The love we have, it’s gonna stay strong, stay strong No matter what, we’ll stay together And we’ll ride on through all types of weather, Ride on, Ride on, Ride on, Ride on

I’ve got a lot of useless shit over the years Kris kringle crap, the kind that brings a man to tears But then who is there to blame, when ten dollars is the limit and you don’t know the other person’s name I got a parrot with a really dirty mouth The kind my girlfriend said that I could do without I got a penis water gun, kinda fun I got this bell (ding) what the hell? (ding) So give me that shit I’ll pass it on And before too long it will be back where it belongs Under your tree, I’m giving you what you gave me Re-gifting song, Re-gifting song, Re-gifting song But to be fair sometimes these gifts do have a place Imbued with secret meaning showing on your face As you open up the box, spy the carcass of a fox And only you know what it really means Then on the other hand some people take the piss Getting rid of things that they would never miss Like Grandma’s ancient decoupage Or any old and dusty, shit from the garage So give me that shit I’ll pass it on And before too long it will be back where it belongs Under your tree, I’m giving you what you gave me Re-gifting song, Re-gifting song, Re-gifting song

I don’t know much but I know that I love you I don’t know much but I know that I care I know you know, its over I can feel it in the air Winter’s gone away, the summer sun’s come out to play and I’m fine, fine, fine fine, fine, fine Those old rain clouds have parted And my heart is open wide So pack your bags and leave on a night train Pack your bags and walk out the door You can run far away, that’s ok ‘cos I don’t need you anymore I don’t need you anymore Winter’s gone away, the summer sun’s come out to play and I’m fine, fine, fine fine, fine, fine Those old rain clouds have parted And my heart is open wide I don’t know much but I know that I’ll miss you Despite your cold, cold-hearted rain But I’ve got a certain feeling You’ll be coming round again Winter’s gone away, the summer sun’s come out to play and I’m fine, fine, fine fine, fine, fine Those old rain clouds have parted And my heart is open wide

Handy Christmas facts. Christmas a magical time of year Friends and family exchange gifts wrapped in paper In the northern hemisphere, it gets quite cold While in the southern hemisphere, its hot, hot, hot Christmas is celebrated every single year, on the 25th of December Everybody knows, everybody knows It commemorates the birth, the birth of Santa Set a large fire this Christmas eve to deter robbers They pose as Santa, breaking in via the chimney But don’t worry, that fire wont stop Santa Everybody knows he has a fire retardant suit Be kind to midgets, be kind to midgets Be kind to midgets, you never know, they could be elves I patted a midget once, on top of the head The very next day I received a Coles/Myer giftcard Don’t worry if you get a crap present this year You can re-gift it next year And rest assured, if you forget who it was from If they receive it again they will be too embarrassed or polite to say anything Traditional Christmas dinner in England used to be a pig’s head Prepared, with a mustard sauce Mmm pig’s head and mustard sauce Mmm, piggy piggy yummy yummy Some people say that the jolly red and white Santa we know Was created by, the Coca-Cola company In a campaign to sell more Coke over the festive period This is absolutely ridiculous These people are naysayers These people are going to Hell These people should go and get an ice cold refreshing Coke And think about the lies they’re spreading These people are naysayers These people are going to Hell It is said that if you eat a mince pie every day for the 12 days of Christmas You will get good luck This may be so, this may be so But you will also get, a bad case of the squirts Evergreen Christmas trees are actually edible Actually edible, actually edible So before you go and throw yours out why not make a giant Christmas tree salad Rich in vitamin C and plenty of, plenty of roughage, roughage. In America, spoilt left-overs are responsible for 400,000 cases Of post-Christmas illness But who cares, they’re all fat and arrogant anyway Fat and arrogant, fat and arrogant anyway 3000 tons, 3000 tons of foil, are used to wrap turkeys annually if you chew on foil and have a filling, it feels weird it feels weird, foil + filling = weird Kris Kringle lives in the north pole, Alaska He delivers pizzas for a living and drives a 1984 Ford Tempo 1984 Ford Tempo, 1984 Ford Tempo your lights are on Handy Christmas facts, handy Christmas facts Handy Christmas facts.

There’s one thing that I have got to say And its been weighing me down since Christmas day I know all of this is kinda new And its hard for me to tell, if you’re feeling it too Would you want to, to say what you want to To stay close Would you want to, to say what you want to Now I don’t care about your friends or your money I just want you to know, I’m here for your heart Now I don’t care about the other things honey Say what you will, say what you won’t Ill be there, inside Would you want to, to say what you want to To stay close Would you want to, to say what you want to Now I feel it every day, but I find it hard to say Those three words, those three words So I took them from my head, and I wrote a song that said I love, you- Would you want to, to say what you want to To stay close Would you want to, to say what you want to Just hold on to me, just hold on And I’ll hold on to you, I’ll hold on Would you want to, to say what you want to To stay close Would you want to, to say what you want to

I’d left it all too late, only two more days till Christmas Now I’m doing what I hate, and I don’t know where my list is I wrote it in the car, scribbled it on something I didn’t get too far, no I couldn’t think of one thing The same thing happened last year, and it’s Groundhog Day again Last minute Christmas shopping, and it’s got me round the bend Now it’s going down the shitter, now it’s going down the drain Shoulda done this shop in winter, ‘cos it’s driving me insane There’s no time, no time There’s no time, there’s no time Is this the one they asked about? Should this long thread be hanging out? And tell me, does it come in packs of three? Are the batteries included? Does it need to be diluted? Can I use two credit cards? Tell me, are all your staff retards? She wants the one that I want, it’s the last one in the store I know she wants to take it, from my cold dead hands you whore I think I need a lawyer; I trampled someone in the mud Could be Christmas paranoia, but I’ve got the taste for blood There’s no time, no time There’s no time, there’s no time So take some good advice from me, and do your Christmas shop early And maybe, you’ll escape without a scratch But if I ever see you here, around this time of year Only one thing I can say, and that is “watch your back my dear” There’s no time, no time There’s no time, there’s no time

You’ve got yours and I’ve got mine These two hearts will stand the test of time Time Ive got yours and you’ve got mine These two hearts have grown and intertwined Intertwined Calling out across the city skyline, bats in flight Welcome in the night Shake away that winter air Feel the summer breeze upon your hair I’ll take you there Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh- Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh- We’ll remember nights like these Reminisce of overseas In the fading lights Balmy summer nights I’ll pull up the only sheets, you’ll be sweating underneath Dreaming deep, in that restless sleep Falling out, fragments of a thought I’d had before Creep in through the door Cant make out a word you say Something about ducks and Christmas day You’re far away Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh- Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh- Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh- Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh- So take my word that I’ll be here To shelter you and hold you near All throughout the night Until the morning light And in the world of metaphor If I could ask for nothing more Our world would be a song for two And I would sing it, with you