Christmas eve, 1989
Way way way past my bed time
Crept down the hall in my dressing gown
To see what sort of presents could be found
Froze right still, thought I heard a knocking
Tip-toed up to my Christmas stocking
Reached on down and opened it up and…
Just coal…cold, cold-hearted coal…
I’ve been a bad, bad boy
That fat red fucker ain’t bringing me none of them toys
He’s gonna take them all away
I ain’t getting shit but coal on Christmas day
Shat my pants at the shopping mall
Told Tommy Tinkerton to suck my balls
Stole some marbles from the corner store
Told Analise that her mother was a whore
Wouldn’t play with the kids at school
I did a wee in the swimming pool
Kicked the class soccer ball up onto the roof
I lie to everybody but I tell them it’s the truth
I’ve been a bad, bad boy
That fat red fucker ain’t bringing me none of them toys
He’s gonna take them all away
I ain’t getting shit but coal on Christmas day
It all started in the sandpit, Sarah said she didn’t love me
I looked her in the eye and told her she was ugly
If you were a spicegirl, I said, you’d be Sporty
And if I was a Spicegirl, I’d be NAUGHTY
Naughty-
I’ve been a bad, bad boy
That fat red fucker ain’t bringing me none of them toys
He’s gonna take them all away
I ain’t getting shit but coal on Christmas day
Told my brother, he was adopted
Told Father Murphy, like Jesus, he should drop dead
Smeared my peanut butter all over the place
When the teacher kneeled to clean it, well I farted in her face
Teacher went and sat me in the naughty chair
I started thinking that I liked it there
Sat there all alone in the corner of the room
I started singing this badd-assed, mutha-fucking tune:
I’ve been a bad, bad boy
That fat red fucker ain’t bringing me none of them toys
He’s gonna take them all away
I ain’t getting shit but coal on Christmas day
I’ve been a bad, bad boy
That fat red fucker ain’t bringing me none of them toys
He’s gonna take them all away
I ain’t getting shit but coal on Christmas day
