Lying in the sun Wasn’t it the summer 1991 oh what it once was Birds up in the trees are laughing at each other gifts from overseas oh what it once was Sticky summer haze rolling on for days sunsets set ablaze oh what it once was I’ll always remember The days of past Decembers And how it once was Christmas day Find yourself A special place With someone else The memories You make today Will last forever

Santa’s coming to my house, tonight He’s bringing me toys & stuff And I’ve been a good good good boy I hope that it’s good enough He was at Westfield last week Myer the week before And I went and sat on his knee And asked him for nothing more, than a: New brother, a different mother A Dad that I get to see A nude picture of, my art teacher and If you could do that for me That’d be nice, that’d be nice I reckon that’d be nice That’d be nice I reckon that’d be nice Dad went to prison last year And Mum’s got a boyfriend now I’ve got to call him Nigel And sleep on his fold out couch I wake up every morning Covered in hair from his cat My brother just farts in my fave But I’ve got a plan for that, with a: New brother, a different mother A Dad that I get to see A big house, not a, small apartment and A bed that doesn’t have fleas That’d be nice, that’d be nice I reckon that’d be nice That’d be nice I reckon that’d be nice When Joseph, he said the “F” word I told on him after school And I didn’t yell or hit him When he pushed me into the pool See I’m on my best behaviour Cos Santa, he’s got a list And if I get on the nice one Then I’ll get my Christmas wish, for a: New brother, a different mother A Dad that I get to see I know it sounds like a lot Santa, but If you could do that for me That’d be nice, that’d be nice I reckon that’d be nice That’d be nice I reckon that’d be nice

Christmas eve, 1989 Way way way past my bed time Crept down the hall in my dressing gown To see what sort of presents could be found Froze right still, thought I heard a knocking Tip-toed up to my Christmas stocking Reached on down and opened it up and… Just coal…cold, cold-hearted coal… I’ve been a bad, bad boy That fat red fucker ain’t bringing me none of them toys He’s gonna take them all away I ain’t getting shit but coal on Christmas day Shat my pants at the shopping mall Told Tommy Tinkerton to suck my balls Stole some marbles from the corner store Told Analise that her mother was a whore Wouldn’t play with the kids at school I did a wee in the swimming pool Kicked the class soccer ball up onto the roof I lie to everybody but I tell them it’s the truth I’ve been a bad, bad boy That fat red fucker ain’t bringing me none of them toys He’s gonna take them all away I ain’t getting shit but coal on Christmas day It all started in the sandpit, Sarah said she didn’t love me I looked her in the eye and told her she was ugly If you were a spicegirl, I said, you’d be Sporty And if I was a Spicegirl, I’d be NAUGHTY Naughty- I’ve been a bad, bad boy That fat red fucker ain’t bringing me none of them toys He’s gonna take them all away I ain’t getting shit but coal on Christmas day Told my brother, he was adopted Told Father Murphy, like Jesus, he should drop dead Smeared my peanut butter all over the place When the teacher kneeled to clean it, well I farted in her face Teacher went and sat me in the naughty chair I started thinking that I liked it there Sat there all alone in the corner of the room I started singing this badd-assed, mutha-fucking tune: I’ve been a bad, bad boy That fat red fucker ain’t bringing me none of them toys He’s gonna take them all away I ain’t getting shit but coal on Christmas day I’ve been a bad, bad boy That fat red fucker ain’t bringing me none of them toys He’s gonna take them all away I ain’t getting shit but coal on Christmas day Just cold, cold-hearted coal…

Dear senior management, to whom it may concern Before the close of trade today, there’s things that you may learn So I thought I’d get in quick, with a letter that just might Explain away the debauchery, that happened here last night (Sigh) Thankyou for the office Christmas party Now I’m resigning, before you fire me Thankyou for the chrissy do, it was such fun Now it’s time for me to go, before the next one The party started out so well, it was going swell Until some people started, photocopying their arses Pinning them on others’ butts, so it looked like they were mooning us It was a funny piss-take, till Tom stuck his knob in the paper intake Thankyou for the office Christmas party Now I’m resigning, before you fire me Thankyou for the chrissy do, it was such fun Now it’s time for me to go, before the next one When you come in today, there’s gonna be a mess We tried to clean it up but we were fuck-faced –hey we did our best To clean up all the spew, but there could be one or two Places that were hard to find The toaster and the fish tank come to mind Spoken: Oh, and I wouldn’t drink the coffee in the kitchen, I’m pretty sure Gareth peed in it! Thankyou for the office Christmas party Now I’m resigning, before you fire me Thankyou for the chrissy do, it was such fun Now it’s time for me to go, before the next one Warning, there will be a few, texts and emails, voicemail too You’d be best to just ignore, cos most just say your wife’s a whore And I may have left a smelly present in your hat And for the flaming bag of dogshit on your desk Spoken: I don’t know anything about that… Thankyou for the office Christmas party Now I’m resigning, before you fire me Thankyou for the chrissy do, it was such fun Now it’s time for me to go, before the next one I think I might have slept with Deirdre from accounting But it was dark, at least I think that she’s the one that I was mounting And I now she’s got that mole, and she’s older than my mum But I think she slipped a finger of rohypnol up my bum Thankyou for the office Christmas party Now I’m resigning, before you fire me Thankyou for the chrissy do, it was such fun Now it’s time for me to go, before the next one In truth I think there are some positives you see You’re always wanting us to bond and now we’re closer than we’d like to be Now that we’ve seen Stephen’s secret third nipple Judy’s fight with crabs and Nigel’s roaming undescended testicle Spoken: I mean, as a team, we’re stronger… (Sigh) Thankyou for the office Christmas party Now I’m resigning, before you fire me Thankyou for the chrissy do, it was such fun Now it’s time for me to go, before the next one Sincerely, employee of the month, Lachlan MacLeod P.S. If someone could please unlock the janitor’s closet & bring me some underpants, I’d like to go home now…

In the corner of our living room, a mountain’s growing high Of papered gifts all sprawled across the floor Everyone has locked themselves away in separate rooms “Keep Out!” signs are stuck on every door The ritual of wrapping well it happens every year More important than the gifts that they encase Find a gift and wrap it up and tear it off again I used to think it all such a waste But what it’s all about- I’ll wrap it up, you’ll take it out Already I can see, You’ve wrapped one up that’s just for me Just for me- For me- The presents that you see- They say I’ll wrap you up inside of me The terms of this exchange, however strange will still go on Long after you and I are dead and gone It’s happened every year before the two of us were here Long before I wrote this song Our modern age has complicated everything in sight In truth it’s less complex than what it seems Gold leaf, 2-ply toilet paper, ripped up magazines It’s not about the look, but what it means (and it means) You’re the one for me- I’ll wrap you up, I’ll take you out Together we will be- I’ll wrap you up, I’ll wrap you up inside of me Inside of me- Of me- The presents that you see- They say I’ll wrap you up, I’ll wrap you up Inside of me

Pssst….hey…you got the paper? Yeah….I got the paper…..you got the sticky tape? Yeah…..I got the sticky tape Alright, shall we do it? Yeah, Let’s wrap this bitch Standing, in the super market aisle, looking at the pile Of rolled up tubes, on my best behaviour Trying to choose my wrapping paper It’s gotta have a Christmas theme, not too obscene, just red or green But when you find the best one in the shop Fuck me, this shit’s ten bucks a pop Christmas is almost here You’ve been putting it off all year Now you’re filling your pants with crap Cos you know that it’s time to wrap CHRISTMAS WRAP Had to take a business loan Before I could get my paper home Rolled it out in front of the heater One tube only gets you a meter Doesn’t help when you cut it wrong And the bits you’ve made, they aren’t that long But how am I s’posed to do my wrap? With hardly any of this crap? Christmas is almost here You’ve been putting it off all year Now you’re filling your pants with crap Cos you know that it’s time to wrap CHRISTMAS WRAP Then there’s the choice of style No matter what, it’s gonna take a while / this task will take you quite a while Fold or scrunch or tape or glue It doesn’t matter what you do One hand tapes, the other holds the end But it rips so you do the whole thing again And just when you think it’s done and gone Oh shit, you’ve left the price tag on! Christmas is almost here You’ve been putting it off all year Now you’re filling your pants with crap Cos you know that it’s time to wrap CHRISTMAS WRAP You unwrap the whole damn thing Just to find the price tag is missing So you have to wrap it up once more But it won’t go on like it did before Suddenly your brain goes ping Your eyes roll back, your mouth foaming You’re ripping paper with your teeth And shrieking out in fits of grief Then everything goes black You wake up in a padded shack The doctors say you had a mental snap Just another casualty of Christmas wrap Christmas is almost here You’ve been putting it off all year Now you’re filling your pants with crap Cos you know that it’s time to wrap

Santa got a little bit drunk last night And forgot to buy your presents So this year he wanted us to pretend that we’re 16th century peasants Santa lost a lot on the dogs last night Now we’ve got to sell the house & car So we’re moving in to a storage shed & putting you to work at the milk bar Some people tell their kids, Santa’s a figment of imagination But if you look a little closer you’ll find, Santa’s a tool for misappropriation It’s Santa’s fault your goldfish died It’s Santa’s fault Daddy made you cry It’s Santa’s fault you had to bury the cat It’s Santa’s fault you got so fat It’s Santa’s fault we moved to Caroline Springs It’s Santa’s fault we couldn’t buy you anything It’s Santa’s fault we’ve gone bankrupt It’s Santa’s fault the priest felt you up Too far?.......yeah, probably…… Blame Santa for all your shit The kids would never dare debate him Blame Santa for all your shit Cos your kids will never ever hate him You can get off scott-free, if you take some advice from me, and just Blame shit on Santa, better him than me Blame shit on Santa, better him than me Santa got a little bit drunk last night And ran over your cat Turns out they’re quite expensive so now you’ve got A google eyed rock called Stone-face Pat Santa got a little divorced last night Now you’re getting a brand new family He couldn’t decide who got to keep you So he orphaned you off like Annie Some people tell their kids, Santa’s a figment of imagination But if you look a little closer you’ll find, Santa’s a tool for misappropriation It’s Santa’s fault your goldfish died It’s Santa’s fault Daddy made you cry It’s Santa’s fault you had to bury the cat It’s Santa’s fault you got so fat It’s Santa’s fault we moved to Caroline Springs It’s Santa’s fault we couldn’t buy you anything It’s Santa’s fault we’ve gone bankrupt It’s Santa’s fault the priest felt you up Still too far?.......yeah, OK…… Blame Santa for all your shit The kids would never dare debate him Blame Santa for all your shit Cos your kids will never ever hate him You can get off scott-free, if you take some advice from me, and just Blame shit on Santa, better him than me You can act abominably blame it on Santa & sleep guilt free Yeah you can be a right old shit, if you blame it on the red-faced hairy git You can do the same thing thing too And the only thing you’ve got to do, is just Blame shit on Santa better him than you Blame shit on Santa, better him than you

“Christmas makes me feel like getting sexy & on Christmas eve there is only one thing I want to wear around my lady & that’s something real special…a suit I got for my birthday, you know what I mean…aww yeah…cos nothin’, I said nothin’ says sexy…like a onesie.” Baby, when I’m feeling sexy I want to slip into something more comfortable Let me tell you now, Baby, when just nothing else will do I want to expose myself to you, uh huh I’m gonna slip on my Onesie Slip on my onesie I’m gonna zip it on up, ooh I’m gonna zip it down (I’m gonna zip it down) And when I got on my onesie I’m gonna rub it all over you But baby be careful (baby be careful) There’s a chance you’ll get an electric shock from my cock Oooh ‘cos baby when Im walking up and down on the carpet in my onesie feet I get charged up, ooh-ooh And my bits become electrified, yeah But baby this don’t have to spell defeat Just stand on a plastic box and you’ll be safe While all your pubic hair goes straight, in the air for my onesie Let’s hear it for my onesie I’m gonna zip it on up, oh I’m gonna zip it down (I’m gonna zip it down) And when I got on my onesie I’m gonna rub it all over you But baby be careful (baby be careful) There’s a chance you’ll get an electric shock from my cock Oooh [Spoken word bit] Now baby, I know that some people may think that a man free-balling in a one-piece children’s suit of coloured fleecey fabric is … kinda creepy. But baby, I think we all know that what they really mean is kinda sexy. They call it a drop-seat bum flap for easy toilet breaks. I call it the easy-access fuzzy door to sexytimes, oh yeah. And I know that it may not seem manly to be lounging around in oversized baby clothes, but honey it takes balls to wear one of these babies, and I know you would agree that balls are definitely manly. This year, baby your Christmas present is gonna be wrapped in a cotton/polyester blend covering of onesie goodness. And when you open that present, I guarantee you won’t be disappointed Baby I know it must seem strange, but I promise this to you I’m not some kind of deviant that wants to smother you in poo Baby I know we’re moving fast, and it all seems really new But there’s just one thing I’ve got to say to you…. Ive got two, one for me & one-sie for you We can do it like other onesie couples do Insulated in a fleecey double do I’ve got two, one for me and onesie for you Gone are the days of bed time undies Baby get on down & slip on, slip on your Onesie, slip on your onesie Gonna zip it on up oh Gonna zip it down When I got on my onesie, I’m gonna rub it all over you But baby be careful, there’s a chance you’ll get an electric shock from my cock Oooh ‘cos baby when Im walking up and down on the carpet in my onesie feet I get charged up, ooh-ooh And my bits become electrified, yeah But baby this don’t have to spell defeat Just stand on a plastic box and you’ll be safe While all your pubic hair goes straight, in the air For my onesie Let’s hear it for my onesie I’m gonna zip it on up, oh I’m gonna zip it down (I’m gonna zip it down) And when I got on my onesie I’m gonna rub it all over you But baby be careful (baby be careful) There’s a chance you’ll get an electric shock from my cock

Underneath that Christmas tree, you’ve got a little present for me You’re in love, love, with what you’ve got But when I open my present it’s filled with socks & Jocks, jocks, socks & jocks Is this really all you got? I got noth-noth-nothing more than a pair of panties and a sock for my draw Socks, socks, socks & jocks Is this really all you got? I got noth-noth-nothing more than a pair of panties and a sock for my draw Well excuse me, but can we get a little equality? I got you jewellery, oh honey bunny what the hell do you think you’re doing to me? Was there some kind of monetary limit that you didn’t inform me of? I saw these sock at safeway for 5.99, this shit is starting to piss me off You better have another present hidden round here Mmm if you don’t babe I’ll be packing my bags & leaving you by New Years I’ll be leaving you, leaving you… Socks, socks, socks & jocks Is this really all you got? I got noth-noth-nothing more than a pair of panties and a sock for my draw Socks, socks, socks & jocks Is this really all you got? I got noth-noth-nothing more than a pair of panties and a sock for my draw Socks, socks, socks & jocks Socks, socks, socks & jocks, is this really all I got?